Paulina Porizkova reveals she had a ‘total nervous breakdown’ amid ongoing depression battle

Paulina Porizkova has revealed that she had a ‘nervous breakdown’ in the airport and had to be put in a wheelchair as she cried, saying she plans on retreating from social media for the week to recharge. 

The 55-year-old model took to Instagram on Monday to share a photo of herself posing in front of the fall foliage, wearing a slate gray dress from her cousin Kamila’s company Julie & Kamila.

In the caption, she opened up about how she has never really learned to be alone while detailing how she became inconsolable when she arrived in Costa Rica with her sons last week and learned her passport was expired.   

Hard to handle: Paulina, 55, opened up about the breakdown she had after she traveled to Costa Rica with her sons and was denied entry because her passport had expired

Hard to handle: Paulina, 55, opened up about the breakdown she had after she traveled to Costa Rica with her sons and was denied entry because her passport had expired

Horrible: Paulina, pictured with her sons Jonathan and Oliver, explained that she was so distraught they had to put her in a wheelchair to take her back to the plane

Horrible: Paulina, pictured with her sons Jonathan and Oliver, explained that she was so distraught they had to put her in a wheelchair to take her back to the plane

‘Three summers ago I went to Paris by myself for a week, under the impression that since I was to become a single woman — I should start traveling by myself,’ she wrote. ‘I imagined myself an independent woman- a sophisticated woman — an adventurous woman… 

‘Turns out after sharing thirty-two years with another person, I had learned the art of sharing to perfection — but not the art of being alone,’ she admitted. ‘No question I prefer shared adventures and shared experiences. So much for being independent.’

Paulina went on to recall how she hit her breaking point during a short-lived trip to Costa Rica with her sons Jonathan,  27, and Oliver, 22, that ended a soon as they arrived. 

‘Last week, in a desperate attempt to change scenery, me and the boys went to Costa Rica, and when we landed, found out my passport had expired. So we were put right back on the same plane,’ she explained. 

‘I had a total nervous breakdown in the airport, and they actually had to put me in a wheelchair to take me back to the plane, I was crying so hard I don’t even remember it. I think this will be a really funny story — soon.’ 

Costa Rica has become a happy place for Paulina, who vacationed there right before the coronavirus pandemic led to lockdowns in the U.S. 

Memories: Costa Rica has become a happy place for Paulina, who vacationed there right before the coronavirus pandemic led to lockdowns in the U.S. (pictured)

Memories: Costa Rica has become a happy place for Paulina, who vacationed there right before the coronavirus pandemic led to lockdowns in the U.S. (pictured)

Betrayal: Paulina shared a photo of herself walking through the woods on Friday while opening up about her late husband Ric Ocasek writing her out of his will

Betrayal: Paulina shared a photo of herself walking through the woods on Friday while opening up about her late husband Ric Ocasek writing her out of his will 

The Sports Illustrated star then shared her plans to sign off social media for a week and spend some time alone at a spa. 

‘This week, I’m retreating. A week at a fancy spa is hardly being alone, and hardly a hardship. I’m in an amazingly privileged position to be able to go. Yet, going by myself is going to be a novel experience,’ she wrote. 

‘In my mind, going away for a week alone actually erases me entirely, when I think of the days ahead, it’s like I’m planning to go into a coma,’ she admitted.  ‘Like I will somehow get to not participate in my life. That’s the idea of relief, I guess. Of course I know, instead I will be dealing with nothing but myself. 

‘Have a wonderful week everyone! I will stay off the grid entirely, and hopefully return better equipped for battles ahead. See you all next week!’ 

The photo Paulina shared along with her post was taken by her son Jonathan and shows her standing outside on a perfect fall day, with the breeze blowing through her hair. 

She is wearing her short-sleeve Julia & Kamila dress over a black turtleneck and black pants to keep warm.  

Hard to handle: The model admitted she was 'delusional' to trust Ric, saying she feels 'an equal amount of heartbreak and rage' while mourning his death because of his shocking betrayal

Hard to handle: The model admitted she was ‘delusional’ to trust Ric, saying she feels ‘an equal amount of heartbreak and rage’ while mourning his death because of his shocking betrayal

Candid: Paulina shared a makeup-free selfie last week while delving deeper into her struggles with anxiety and depression

Candid: Paulina shared a makeup-free selfie last week while delving deeper into her struggles with anxiety and depression 

‘BTW, turns out the dress I wore every day this summer totally works in the winter too, and my cousin Kamila is taking the last orders for it this week,’ she noted at the end of her caption.. 

Over the past few weeks, Paulina has been candidly speaking about her struggles with depression and anxiety on Instagram since she moved out of the Manhattan townhouse she shared with her late husband Ric Ocasek for three decades. 

On Friday, she shared a photo of herself walking through the woods as the sun shines behind her. 

In the caption, she opened up The Cars frontman cutting her out of his will, saying that she feels ‘an equal amount of heartbreak and rage’ while grieving him because of the betrayal. 

She admitted that she blames herself for trusting Ric, who died in their shared home last year at age 75, saying she was ‘clearly delusional.’

‘Friends. Your support and love has been immensely helpful. Thank you all. I wish I could do the same for every one of you. That said, I’d like to clear up some misconceptions,’ she wrote. ‘If you follow me because you believe I’m a tragic/romantic widow bereft of the great love of her life-you may want to unfollow. 

‘While my love for my husband was steady and my trust in him absolute, I was clearly delusional,’ she continued. ‘I believed I knew him. I believed we had the same definition of “love.” Grieving him is an equal amount of heartbreak and rage.’ 

Weary: Paulina revealed in late October that she has been struggling with depression and anxiety since she moved out of her New York City townhouse she shared with Ric for decades

Weary: Paulina revealed in late October that she has been struggling with depression and anxiety since she moved out of her New York City townhouse she shared with Ric for decades

Memories: Paulina first met Ric on the set of The Cars' music video for 'Drive' in 1985 and were together for three decades

Memories: Paulina first met Ric on the set of The Cars’ music video for ‘Drive’ in 1985 and were together for three decades 

Paulina then went on to address the state of her finances while she is in the process of legally contesting her estranged husband’s will.  

‘If you follow me because the fall from supermodel to pauper makes me more relatable — also unfollow. I’m not penniless,’ she insisted. I’m not allowed to share my situation since we’re in litigation, but I’m still an incredibly privileged person with nothing to cry about except for my own stupidity. 

‘This is what I have to face now. Myself. My mistakes. Of which there are many. And I have no doubt — if I’m lucky — I’ll make lots more,’ she ended her post, using the hashtag ‘#olderyetnotwiser.’ 

Paulina and Ric, who had two sons together, were married for three decades before they quietly separated in 2017. However, they had not yet finalized their divorce when he passed away last year.  

Before his death, Ric had cut his estranged wife out of his will, claiming that he was ‘abandoned’ by her.

‘I have made no provision for my wife Paulina Porizkova (‘Paulina’) as we are in the process of divorcing,’ the iconic singer said in his will, according to PageSix.

‘Even if I should die before our divorce is final… Paulina is not entitled to any elective share… because she has abandoned me.’  

Family: Ric and Paulina, who had sons Jonathan and Oliver during their marriage, quietly separated in 2017, but they had not yet finalized their divorce when he passed away

Family: Ric and Paulina, who had sons Jonathan and Oliver during their marriage, quietly separated in 2017, but they had not yet finalized their divorce when he passed away  

Claims: Before his death, Ric had cut his estranged wife out of his will, claiming that he was 'abandoned' by her. Paulina is currently contesting the will in litigation

Claims: Before his death, Ric had cut his estranged wife out of his will, claiming that he was ‘abandoned’ by her. Paulina is currently contesting the will in litigation  

The rocker also left no provisions for his two eldest sons, Adam and Derek, from his previous marriage to his first wife Constance Campbell; however, his other four children were all included. 

Paulina has been incredibly candid about her struggle to deal with her grief over Ric’s passing as well as her feelings of hurt and betrayal over his decision to cut her out of his will in the wake of their separation. 

The couple was separated and going through a divorce when he died, but because they were not legally divorced, Paulina, as his widow, may be entitled under New York law to an ‘elective share’ of his estate.

Ric specifically addressed the rule in his will, stating: ‘Even if I should die before our divorce is final… Paulina is not entitled to any elective share… because she has abandoned me.

However, unless it can be proven in court that she did abandon him, she will likely be entitled to a one-third share of the musician’s assets, which are listed as $5 million in ‘copyrights,’ $100,000 in ‘tangible personal property,’ and $15,000 in cash. 

In late October, Paulina opened up about the depression and anxiety she has been struggling with since she moved out of the Gramercy Park townhouse where she and Ric raised their sons Jonathan and Oliver  together.  

She shared a candid photo of herself looking weary with her hand over her eyes. In her lengthy caption, she admitted that she feels a ‘physical heaviness’ and ‘constant tears.’   

Deal: Paulina and Ric's townhouse sold for $10 million earlier this month. In her latest post, she insisted that she is 'not penniless,' but she called herself 'delusional' for trusting Ric

Deal: Paulina and Ric’s townhouse sold for $10 million earlier this month. In her latest post, she insisted that she is ‘not penniless,’ but she called herself ‘delusional’ for trusting Ric 

Hard to handle: In mid-October, Paulina posted a final photo of herself sitting on the cheetah-print carpet in the empty living room of her townhouse

Hard to handle: In mid-October, Paulina posted a final photo of herself sitting on the cheetah-print carpet in the empty living room of her townhouse

‘Here’s the truth. While I thought the hard part was carrying the burden — it turns out setting the weight down is what really undid me,’ she wrote. ‘Starting last year — since my husband got diagnosed —  I’ve been on a strange journey.’

It’s unclear what diagnosis Paulina was referring to her. The musician suffered from both hypertensive heart and coronary artery disease. He had been recovering from surgery when Paulina found him dead in their home on September 15, 2019.  

A New York City medical examiner determined that he died from hypertensive and atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease with pulmonary emphysema being a contributing factor.     

Paulina said the past year has felt like she is ‘paddling a canoe in a stormy sea’ with her sons.  

‘My boys are in the back, scared but preoccupied,’ she wrote. ‘Sometimes the waves are smaller and easier to navigate, some days I lose my paddle and waves threaten to overwhelm. 

‘But I know my purpose is to get myself and my kids to safety, to the beach. Now we are here. With no reason to keep standing — it seems I’m just gonna fall. What I want is to stay in bed indefinitely and cry.  

‘Depression and anxiety are familiar to so many of us,’ she continued. ‘I tend to be on the anxiety spectrum — which — oddly —sort of gives you energy and propels you —if you learn how to use those jitters. Depression is a different beast, although they are always lumped together. Depression is a complete lack of any sort of energy.’

Memories: Paulina shared candid photos of herself packing up all of her belongings for weeks ahead of the difficult move

Memories: Paulina shared candid photos of herself packing up all of her belongings for weeks ahead of the difficult move 

Ready to go: Last month, right before she left the house, she posted a selfie that shows movers packing her boxes in a truck behind her

Ready to go: Last month, right before she left the house, she posted a selfie that shows movers packing her boxes in a truck behind her

The mother of two said that while she keeps posting on Instagram, she has ‘zero energy to reply or interact’ with anyone.   

‘This feeling of incredible physical heaviness, lack of energy, and constant tears — is, by the way, as much physical as it’s emotional,’ she noted.  

‘It started Friday, creeping up on me like a very stealthy cat sneaking up on its prey. While I thought a good night’s sleep would make it go away — I woke up Saturday with an utter lack of interest in anything. Including getting up. 

‘This for me is day three in which I feel like my bones are made of lead pipes.’

Paulina explained that the physical heaviness she feels has made it difficult to even take care of her pets. She admitted her dog Ludwig burping makes her ‘angry and tearful,’ while her cat Oskar wanting breakfast makes her ‘want to punch him across the room.’

‘Clearly, I would NEVER act on those impulses,’ she stressed. ‘I’m sharing them so you know if you ever felt that way, it’s ok. As long as we don’t act on them.

‘There is nothing in the world I want to eat or do,’ she wrote at the end of her post. ‘And the boxes heaped all over the house are just gonna stay there…DONT WORRY GUYS, I am not suicidal. I just feel really really bad.’ 

More than 20,000 people liked the post in support of Paulina, and thousands shared their well-wishes in the comments, including fellow models Cindy Crawford, Petra Nemcova, and Helena Christensen. 

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