Gwyneth Paltrow’s 2020 Goop gift guide includes a $7,500 birthing couch and a lamp made out of bread

For anyone sitting at home thinking, ‘The best way to end this year of economic upheaval would be to spend thousands of dollars on something no human being could possibly need,’ Gwyneth Paltrow has come to the rescue.

The 48-year-old actress and tastemaker has unveiled her annual Goop gift guides, and it should come as no surprise that a worldwide pandemic, a rough job market, a contentious election, and the lurking threat of murder hornets hasn’t stopped the site from spotlighting some of the priciest and most bizarre items that money can buy.

Among the highlights this year include a $7,500 custom birthing chair, a $38,000 mattress, $100,000-and-up custom bathtub, a bag designed to fit a watermelon, and a Clone-a-Willy dildo-making kit. 

Goopy gifts! Gwyneth Paltrow, 48, has unveiled her 10-part Goop gift guide, with lists for men, women, kids, hosts, cooks, travelers, and more

Goopy gifts! Gwyneth Paltrow, 48, has unveiled her 10-part Goop gift guide, with lists for men, women, kids, hosts, cooks, travelers, and more

Sleeping on a fortune: One of the most eyebrow-raising items is the Goop x Avocado mattress, which start at $38,000 each

Sleeping on a fortune: One of the most eyebrow-raising items is the Goop x Avocado mattress, which start at $38,000 each

Wake up feeling like a million bucks: The bed is made of 29 layers of responsibly sourced materials, which are all put together by hand (pictured)

Wake up feeling like a million bucks: The bed is made of 29 layers of responsibly sourced materials, which are all put together by hand (pictured) 

Gwyneth’s ten-part Goop gift guide does, in fact, include some reasonably-priced, conventional items — but few people are turning to the queen of vaginal steaming and yoni eggs for ‘conventional’ ideas. 

To the end, Goop has generously rounded up the most outrageous suggestions in its funny ‘Ridiculous but Awesome’ gift guide, which includes items priced from $15 to $125,000.

While the $125,000 retrofitted electric VW bug is the most expensive thing on the list, more likely to raise eyebrows are the Goop x Avocado mattresses, which start at $38,000 each.

They are made of 29 layers of sustainably-sourced and organic materials, which include pure latex and heritage wool from the Goop farms in India and cashmere from royal alpaca from the Peruvian Andes.

Other layers include coco fiber from the temperate zones of Asia, ‘non-violent’ organic silk and recycled steel coils lashed together. 

A (tiny) house for the holidays: Also earning the 'ridiculous but awesome' label is a Modern Tiny Living custom home, with a starting price of $99,000

A (tiny) house for the holidays: Also earning the ‘ridiculous but awesome’ label is a Modern Tiny Living custom home, with a starting price of $99,000

Bathe in cash: Goop recommends an Igneous Bath custom concrete self-heating tub, with a starting price of $100,000

Bathe in cash: Goop recommends an Igneous Bath custom concrete self-heating tub, with a starting price of $100,000

It's... certainly something! The list also includes a $35,000 'Pyramid Commode' designed by Elizabeth Paige Smith, a favorite of Kanye West

It’s… certainly something! The list also includes a $35,000 ‘Pyramid Commode’ designed by Elizabeth Paige Smith, a favorite of Kanye West

Spooky how expensive this is: There's a $1,995 hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic ouija board by Edie Parker on the list, too

Spooky how expensive this is: There’s a $1,995 hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic ouija board by Edie Parker on the list, too

Push present: For moms-to-be, Gwyneth suggests buying a $7,500 custom Stiliyana Minkovska 'birth sill': an artistic sofa or chair made to gift birth on

Push present: For moms-to-be, Gwyneth suggests buying a $7,500 custom Stiliyana Minkovska ‘birth sill’: an artistic sofa or chair made to gift birth on

Also earning the ‘ridiculous but awesome’ label is a Modern Tiny Living custom home, with a starting price of $99,000, and an Igneous Bath custom concrete self-heating tub, with a starting price of $100,000.  

No budget: The list also includes a $15,000 bronze lamp by Ryan McElhinney (pictured), a $6,899 outdoor sauna, a $4,519 retro gaming system

No budget: The list also includes a $15,000 bronze lamp by Ryan McElhinney (pictured), a $6,899 outdoor sauna, a $4,519 retro gaming system

The list also includes a $35,000 ‘Pyramid Commode’ designed by Elizabeth Paige Smith, a favorite of Kanye West. 

According to the Goop website, the pyramid-shaped piece, which is seven-foot high and seven-foot wide, ‘creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in, energetically lifting the vibrations there’. 

In addition, there’s a $1,995 hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic ouija board by Edie Parker, a $15,000 bronze lamp by Ryan McElhinney, a $6,899 outdoor sauna, a $4,519 retro gaming system, and Japanese wagyu beef for $148.55 per pound.

For moms-to-be, Gwyneth suggests buying a custom Stiliyana Minkovska ‘birth sill’: an artistic sofa or chair made to gift birth on.

Goop describes the $7,500 chairs, some of which the designer donated to St. Thomas’ Hospital in London, as the ‘ultimate push present.’ 

A VERY luxurious cubicle! In a nod to 2020's widespread work-from-home culture, Goop also suggests shopping for a $13,600 Studypod outdoor working pod

A VERY luxurious cubicle! In a nod to 2020’s widespread work-from-home culture, Goop also suggests shopping for a $13,600 Studypod outdoor working pod

Play us a song, you're the ficus plant! A $299 PlantWave device captures electrical currents given off by pants and translates them into pitch messages that play instruments

Play us a song, you’re the ficus plant! A $299 PlantWave device captures electrical currents given off by pants and translates them into pitch messages that play instruments

A picnic must-have: This Tsuchiya Kaban bag (price upon request) perfectly fits a watermelon

Pink crayons, not included: This $14.95 Post-Structuralist Vulva Coloring Book made the list

Pink stuff: Suggestions include a Tsuchiya Kaban bag (price upon request) perfectly fits a watermelon (left) and a $14.95 Post-Structuralist Vulva Coloring Book (right)

Loaf light: Handcrafted in Japan, the Pampshade bread lamp is made out of actual bread that's been coated in resin

Loaf light: Handcrafted in Japan, the Pampshade bread lamp is made out of actual bread that’s been coated in resin

In a nod to 2020’s widespread work-from-home culture, Goop also suggests shopping for a $13,600 Studypod outdoor working pod, which is just big enough for a desk and chair to work outside in peace.

An eco buzz! This $65 Air Company carbon-negative vodka can make you tipsy and save the planet

An eco buzz! This $65 Air Company carbon-negative vodka can make you tipsy and save the planet 

One of the strangest — but undoubtedly interesting — items on the list is a $299 PlantWave device, which can capture and graph electrical currents given off by pants and translate them into pitch messages that play instruments.

‘Just attach the sensors to the leaves of any living thing (your ficus, your fiddle-leaf fig, the fronds in your backyard), connect wirelessly to your phone, and enjoy the soothing sounds that drift out of it,’ reads the description.

On the less-pricey but no less outrageous end is a $65 Air Company carbon-negative vodka, a Tsuchiya Kaban bag (price upon request) that perfectly fits a watermelon, and a $210 Pampshade bread lamp. Handcrafted in Japan, the lamp is made out of actual bread that’s been coated in resin. 

And for a bargain, the list includes a $14.95 Post-Structuralist Vulva Coloring Book — yes, for coloring vaginas — and a $50 Lordship Title Pack which allows the recipient to ‘become a lord or lady with the purchase of one square food of land on a private estate in Scotland.’

That's loyalty! Among the 'sexy' gifts is a $49.95 Clone-a-Willy Dildo Cloning Kit, which 'lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner’s package — you know, for you to enjoy the next time he’s out of town'

That’s loyalty! Among the ‘sexy’ gifts is a $49.95 Clone-a-Willy Dildo Cloning Kit, which ‘lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner’s package — you know, for you to enjoy the next time he’s out of town’

Kinky: The sexy gift list also includes a $550 Kiki de Montparnasse gold-plated stainless steel collar and lead bondage set

Kinky: The sexy gift list also includes a $550 Kiki de Montparnasse gold-plated stainless steel collar and lead bondage set

Another favorite for Goop readers is always the ‘sexy’ gift category, which is always packed with lingerie, games, and sex toys.

This year is no exception, and among the 55 items in ‘The Lover’s Gift Guide’ are $200-and-up vibrators, vibrators that double as jewelry, a $485 silk robe, a $5,500 two-day intuitive couples program, a butt plug, and lube.

Gwyneth and the gang recommend a $285 Oyster of the Month club, a sex journal, a massage candle, and a Georgia O’Keeffe print.

Among the bedroom accessories are a $550 Kiki de Montparnasse gold-plated stainless steel collar and lead bondage set — ‘great minds kink alike,’ reads the caption.

New this year is also a $49.95 Clone-a-Willy Dildo Cloning Kit, which comes in three skin tones and ‘lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner’s package — you know, for you to enjoy the next time he’s out of town.’

In the wellness list is a $547 Lettuce Grow The Farmstand vertical garden

Hostess gifts include a $225 Summerland Pleasure Point Bong

Home goods: In the wellness list is a $547 Lettuce Grow The Farmstand vertical garden (left), while hostess gifts include a $225 Summerland Pleasure Point Bong (right)

Just what everyone wants! Wonder who Gwyneth would give this $240 Hayden Flour Mills German Oat Flaker to

Just what everyone wants! Wonder who Gwyneth would give this $240 Hayden Flour Mills German Oat Flaker to

Glamping: This monogrammed camp bed by L/Uniform costs $1,035

Glamping: This monogrammed camp bed by L/Uniform costs $1,035

Specific: The 'Under $100' list is stacked with fun bargain buys including her This Smells Like My Orgasm candle, which costs $75

Specific: The ‘Under $100’ list is stacked with fun bargain buys including her This Smells Like My Orgasm candle, which costs $75

A must-have stocking stuffer: Gwyneth also suggests her This Smells Like My Vagina candle

A must-have stocking stuffer: Gwyneth also suggests her This Smells Like My Vagina candle 

The rest of the list is divided up into categories of recipients, and there are a few gems in each one.

In the wellness list is a $547 Lettuce Grow The Farmstand vertical garden, a $1,049 HealthyLine Gemstone Heat Therapy Mat, and a $7,770 Loro Piana fitness set.

Hostess gifts include a $225 Summerland Pleasure Point Bong and a $840 Hangai cashmere throw blanket.

For men, Gwyneth suggests a $6,395 Brunello Cucinelli down jacket, and for cooks she likes a $240 Hayden Flour Mills German Oat Flaker.

The star’s guide for travelers usually includes a few choice trips — but here, for the first time in the guide, Goop seems to acknowledge that there is a pandemic going on and that most people aren’t traveling at the moment.

Instead, she suggests a $1,035 monogrammed camp bed by L/Uniform, a $640 suitcase, $2,295 custom skis, and a $18,000 custom van.

Winners and losers:Another gift in the guide is this $1,895 Edie Parker agate marble checkers set

Winners and losers:Another gift in the guide is this $1,895 Edie Parker agate marble checkers set

Game night: There's also this $895 Nine Fair backgammon board

Game night: There’s also this $895 Nine Fair backgammon board

Set of wheels: A $2,916 Linus electric bike is on the 'Forward-to-your-SO' guide

Set of wheels: A $2,916 Linus electric bike is on the ‘Forward-to-your-SO’ guide

Bling: There's also quite a bit of jewelry for thousands of dollars apiece, including a $7,550 Lauren Rubinksi necklace

Bling: There’s also quite a bit of jewelry for thousands of dollars apiece, including a $7,550 Lauren Rubinksi necklace

The ‘Forward-to-your-SO’ guide is packed with items Goop readers might want for themselves, including a $6,250 secondhand Chanel bag, $400 Alexa Pulitzer stationary, a $2,916 Linus electric bike, a $1,895 Edie Parker agate marble checkers set, and a $895 Nine Fair backgammon board.

There’s also quite a bit of jewelry for thousands of dollars apiece, including a $7,550 Lauren Rubinksi necklace, $10,295 Rolex, a $20,625 vintage Bulgari ring, and $9,750 Sorellina earrings.

One of the most expensive items on the list is a Jessica McCormack jewelry box, which costs a whopping $25,809.

Finally, the ‘Under $100’ list is stacked with fun bargain buys including her This Smells Like My Vagina candle and This Smells Like My Orgasm candle, each of which costs $75.

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