Comedian ANDREW DOYLE: Why I, as Queen of Woke, applaud the prospect of a Royal lesbian power couple

Titania McGrath, a blonde 'keyboard warrior' has gained a huge following on social media only for her identity to be revealed as comedian Andrew Doyle

Titania McGrath, a blonde 'keyboard warrior' has gained a huge following on social media only for her identity to be revealed as comedian Andrew Doyle

Titania McGrath, a blonde ‘keyboard warrior’ has gained a huge following on social media only for her identity to be revealed as comedian Andrew Doyle

Titania McGrath, supposedly a blonde ‘keyboard warrior’, has amassed a huge following on social media thanks to a ludicrous – yet all-too-plausible – stream of ‘right-on’ commentary for a Millennial generation.

Then, last week, the author of this hilarious parody was sensationally unmasked… as comedian Andrew Doyle, an Oxford-educated white man with a doctorate in early Renaissance poetry.

Here, unloading her militant views for the very first time since ‘she’ was publicly exposed, Titania delivers a strident new manifesto for readers of The Mail on Sunday…

When I told my fellow activists that I would be writing for The Mail on Sunday, they almost choked on their grilled kale and rolled pancetta salads. After all, this is a publication that has provided a platform for those who believe Brexit is not necessarily a bad thing, or that boys can’t have periods.

However, as a radical intersectional feminist, I consider it a moral duty to educate those who are not sufficiently woke.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the word ‘woke’, it is shorthand for those of us who are committed to inclusivity and social justice.

In many ways, Meghan is the archetypal modern feminist. She is young, photogenic, internet savvy, and is known to perform creative feats with an avocado

In many ways, Meghan is the archetypal modern feminist. She is young, photogenic, internet savvy, and is known to perform creative feats with an avocado

In many ways, Meghan is the archetypal modern feminist. She is young, photogenic, internet savvy, and is known to perform creative feats with an avocado 

Throughout my adult life I have fought for progressive causes through a combination of activism and slam poetry, which is like regular poetry but usually delivered by hipsters in the basement of a vegan bistro.

I have always been woke. As a baby, my first words were: ‘Seize the means of production.’ Minority groups adore me, because I am brave enough to stand up for their rights, even when they don’t know what’s best for themselves.

For too long, bigots have hidden behind the outdated principle of ‘free speech’ in order to justify expressing the wrong opinions. Free speech is a dangerous Western ideology invented by fascists to spread hate. A kind of hate spatula, if you will.

It has been gratifying to see the emergence of woke role models such as myself who can educate the masses in the correct way to think. Even the Royal Family have achieved a heightened state of wokeness thanks to the influence of Meghan Markle. In many ways, Meghan is the archetypal modern feminist. She is young, photogenic, internet savvy, and is known to perform creative feats with an avocado.

In addition to her lifestyle blogs, Meghan has sought to promote gender equality by writing motivational slogans on bananas and giving them to prostitutes.

In addition to her lifestyle blogs, Meghan has sought to promote gender equality by writing motivational slogans on bananas and giving them to prostitutes.

In addition to her lifestyle blogs, Meghan has sought to promote gender equality by writing motivational slogans on bananas and giving them to prostitutes.

She is a formidable activist who, through a strict regime of Vedic meditation, is able to achieve a total state of mindlessness.

In addition to her lifestyle blogs, Meghan has sought to promote gender equality by writing motivational slogans on bananas and giving them to prostitutes. This not only inspires the prostitutes to find more lucrative employment, but they also reap the nutritional benefits of a fruit that is naturally rich in potassium.

Meghan’s intention to raise her child as gender neutral is laudable. The crypto- fascists at the Palace have denied these rumours, but Meghan is right to insist that we should never assume gender, even for the unborn. 

Thanks to his wife’s influence, Prince Harry now wears an ‘Oura ring’, which monitors his sleep patterns, his level of fitness, and allows Meghan to pinpoint his precise location at any given time through GPS technology

Thanks to his wife’s influence, Prince Harry now wears an ‘Oura ring’, which monitors his sleep patterns, his level of fitness, and allows Meghan to pinpoint his precise location at any given time through GPS technology

Thanks to his wife’s influence, Prince Harry now wears an ‘Oura ring’, which monitors his sleep patterns, his level of fitness, and allows Meghan to pinpoint his precise location at any given time through GPS technology

There isn’t an ultrasound in the world that can as yet detect a non-binary foetus. The emphasis on ‘facts’ rather than feelings is everything that is wrong with the field of medical science. 

For my part, I like to educate people by changing my pronouns every fortnight and reporting anyone who misgenders me to the police.

Thanks to his wife’s influence, Prince Harry now wears an ‘Oura ring’, which monitors his sleep patterns, his level of fitness, and allows Meghan to pinpoint his precise location at any given time through GPS technology.

Inevitably, the media have been quick to mock Harry as being emasculated by an overbearing wife. But, let’s not forget, masculinity is a disease and Meghan is right to rid her spouse of the symptoms. 

If Harry continues along this current trend there is every chance that he might transition to female. I can think of no better way to rejuvenate our stale Royal institution than the introduction of a proud lesbian power couple with a brood of non-binary offspring.

Of course, not everybody has access to the kind of resources that the Royal Family enjoy. Some of you have limited incomes, or live in Third World countries such as Somalia or Wales.

Others are simply ignorant of this entire new woke movement, and find it difficult to keep up with progressive trends. This is why I am here, to guide you towards a state of true enlightenment. 

Your first step must be to acknowledge your privilege. If you are a white male you are an oppressor and should self-flagellate regularly to atone for your crimes.

And if you are straight you need to accept that your very existence is a form of tyranny against LGBTQIA+ people.

Believe me, future generations will thank us if we successfully eliminate heterosexuality.

You must guard against cultural appropriation. In January, a comedy club at the University of Quebec quite rightly banned a white comedian for sporting dreadlocks.

No doubt this clown thought he was making some kind of edgy joke, but this lack of sensitivity makes him no better than the plantation owners of the slavery era. Racial and cultural boundaries must be strictly policed at all times (unlike gender, which is totally fluid).

Embrace victimhood

As a woman living in a patriarchal world, I am keenly aware that I will always be oppressed, no matter how much I try to distract myself with weekend breaks in the Maldives or the occasional spree at Harrods. And it’s certainly not easy identifying as lactose intolerant when you have no digestive problems whatsoever.

Resist Islamophobia

We’ve all seen the ghastly demonisation of Shamima Begum, a young woman who had fled the UK because Muslims were under-represented on the BBC.

Many argued that she had surrendered her right to return when she joined a genocidal, medieval death-cult. But my sister once got caught stealing a croissant during her gap year in Marseille, and we still let her come home. Teenagers make mistakes.

Interact with minorities

…To show that you care. It is a source of constant frustration to me that my three houses are all in predominately white areas.

I have tried my utmost to acquire something in a more diverse area such as Hackney, but I’ve never been able to find a suitable three-bedroom detached house with a south-facing garden.

Support body-positivity

Being skinny is an act of passive-aggressive fat-shaming.

We all have a responsibility to gain as much weight as possible in order to combat such systemic forms of oppression.

Alternatively, you could simply identify as fat. That way, you can be an ally to the cause, but you don’t have to worry about type-2 diabetes or looking rough in a thong.

Protest all injustice

Last week I chained myself to the door of my local butcher’s shop dressed as a Brussels sprout in order to show my disapproval for their lack of vegan options.

Next month I’ll be collaborating with my local mosque to arrange a charity slut-walk to raise awareness about Islamophobia. A slut-walk is a form of protest where women walk together wearing hardly anything at all. I haven’t approached the imam yet, but I’m sure he’ll be up for it.

Reconsider your sexual orientation

…And accept the social construction of beauty. If you have sex only with people you find attractive, you might want to ask yourself why you’re such a superficial bigot.

Study intersectional feminist theory

For instance, instead of saying, ‘All straight white men are evil’, you should say, ‘I refuse to redact my positionality in deference to hegemonic cis-axial neopatriarchy normalised through oppressive structural discourses of heteropestilential violence enacted on bodies of colour’.

I could go on and on. We need to stop publishing books by white authors, eliminate gender segregation in sports, support the celebrity millionaires who are bravely seeking to stop Brexit, obliterate capitalism in all its forms, and find a way to reduce the gender pregnancy gap.

Join me, and together we shall achieve our woke utopia.

Oh, and buy my book. I’m saving up for a new broodmare.

WOKE: A Guide To Social Justice, by Titania McGrath, is published by Constable and available to buy at Amazon

PAINFULLY RIGHT-ON COUPLE AND THEIR REAL WOKE-ISMS

MEGHAN  

‘I’d seen this documentary and one of the things they said during pregnancy was, “I feel the embryonic kicking of feminism.” I loved that… we hope that’s the case with our little bump.’

● What she meant: The kid’s a born feminist. Period.

 

‘Women don’t need to find a voice: they have a voice. They need to feel empowered to use it and people need to be encouraged to listen.’

● What she meant: Women should talk; men should listen.

 

‘Don’t ever forget your worth – as I’ve told you time and time again: you, my sweet friend, you are enough.’

● What she meant: A bit of self-belief works wonders. Look at me!

 

‘I saw this project a woman started in the States, where on each of the bananas, she wrote an affirmation or something, to make the kids feel, like, really empowered.’

● What she meant: I totally think giving bananas to sex workers is a Great Idea.

 HARRY 

‘Be braver. Be stronger. Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourselves. Have less screen time and more face-to-face time. Exceed expectations.’

● What he meant: Get off the internet and talk to people properly.

 

‘You don’t judge someone based on how they look, where they’re from or how they identify.’

● What he meant: Being Royal and ginger should never be an impediment.

 

‘We won’t unlock these opportunities for young women and girls unless we can change the mindset of every family and community. It cannot just be women who speak up for girls.’

● What he meant: Blokes can be feminists too.

 

‘You know that if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything. So let that be your true north, let that be your call to action – to inspire those who stand for nothing to stand for something.’

● What he meant: Stand up for what you believe in. Viva la revolucion! 

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